Love & Relationships

Published on April 14th, 2013 | by thevyne


12 Guys You’ll Meet Online

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By Keesha B.

Not long ago, after several friends had wonderful success stories to share, I decided to stop hating on online dating and check it out for myself….purely for research purposes of course. Through my research I can now officially confirm that there are twelve guys you will undoubtedly meet if you chose to venture into this space. Here they are in no particular order and if I’ve missed a few, feel free to add to this list! (NOTE: This does not represent all guys online…just a smattering of a few who seem to be regulars—so don’t get offended!)

1. “Puppy Pics” Guy– Every third picture of this guy is his dog, him and his dog, his dog on a couch, his dog in a pool, his dog on his bed…you get the point. I like dogs, I really do but enough already!

2. “I Only Have One Decent Pic” Guy– While the profile represents the substance of the person, one should never underestimate the importance of having several pics. Having only one pic suggests that it was the one time where the light, sun, moon and stars all aligned for the length of time it took to capture that picture.

3. “I Blurred Out My Ex in this Pic” Guy – Come on dude…don’t be lazy. Crop the picture!

4. “Shirtless Pic Guy – For the love of Pete, please stop doing this. Sure, women are attracted to a man who works out…but it’s really not necessary to put it on display. We can tell from your other pics (if you have others) how tall you are and what your build might be. So stop with the shirtless pics. Besides, they almost always come off looking weird (e.g. I’m in the bathroom mirror at the gym) or arrogant (e.g. I’m posing really hard in the bathroom mirror at the gym). Either way, not a good look.

5. “I Date Every Race Except Black” Guy – Really? It’s 2013 and you still have a closed mind? Even if you feel this way, just leave the “ethnicity” boxes unchecked and don’t respond to anyone who doesn’t float your boat. Checking off every, single race, including “other” (which by the way is NOT a race) and then leaving out “Black/African American” is a crap thing to do.

6. “I’m too Lazy to Even Finish Filling Out this Profile” Guy – Let’s be clear, it’s not enough to just say, “I like to travel, go out to restaurants and watch sports. I’m a down to earth guy looking for a woman with no drama.” Profiles that are too short give the impression that you’re either a lazy lima bean, not really interested in something real–just being a voyeur or that a date with you will end up in an episode of “First 48”. None of those are good options. (Update: If you are a murderer, please continue to write short profiles so we know who you are.)

7. “I Own a Cat” Guy – I’m a dog person….there I said it. There’s just something odd about a single guy who owns a cat, I’m sorry. Unless it’s like a jungle cat…in which case it would be illegal. So yea, no cats guys.

8. “I’m 39 But I’m Really 53” Guy – Dude….you don’t look 39 in your pics and whoever told you that you did was not your friend. Seriously you should unfriend that person. You should question everything they ever told you and do it in a very dramatic, cinematic way.

9. “All My Clothes Are Super Tight” Guy – I’m all for being fashion forward but the super tight jeans with the super tight muscle shirt, might be super too much.

10. “I Only Post Pics of Food I Ate or Made” Guy – Gotta say, I was surprised to see that this guy even existed but alas…he does. And he’s notorious for having way more pics of his food (or anything else he made) than there are pics of him. Not saying women aren’t interested in your first gourmet meal or that wood working project you slaved over, but those are things we should talk about. I can’t imagine a woman saying, “Wow he cooks a mean risotto! Gotta get those digits!”

11. “I Have a Lame Handle” Guy – Ok so ladies, how old were we when we realized (or someone was kind enough to tell us) that “” was not an appropriate email address? Same thing goes for online dating guys. Stop with the lame and often explicit handles. You’re too old for that nonsense.

12. “All My Pics Are 50 Feet Away” Guy – This is a dead give away…ok so sure, not everyone is blessed with great looks (or photogenic-ness…not sure that’s a word) but if that’s the case for you and you really can’t rustle up a decent pic, then maybe you should try a different form of dating or meeting people. Or better yet, pay to have a professional set done…it’s not ideal (as most people want to see you as you are) but it’s better than posting pics of yourself 50 feet away or worse in a crowd of people where we can’t tell which one is you or mistake you for the Brad Pitt look-a-like standing next to you (now you know you were wrong for that).

Are there any other guys you’ve seen online? Write them in the comments below!


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