Published on December 4th, 2011 | by thevyne9
To Love or Not to Love is the Question
Relationships can be the bane of our existence or the light in our days. We all yearn for the comfort of a quality and truly intimate relationship and yet so often our relationships fall short of our desires. We either lie to one another, put on a little (or a lot) of “make up” on our personality – not just our face, put each other down instead of lift the other up, and fail to see the “God” (aka beauty, love, spirit, goodness) in our “beloved.” This subpar relating often has roots in our own selves (or lack of) – the dearth of self reflection, self love, self care, and self connection.
A couple months ago, I attended a social and emotional intelligence workshop. Many there were surprised to hear that I have my doctorate in Psychology. They asked questions like, “what are you doing here? Don’t you know all this stuff already?” I answered, “there’s always more to learn.” And this thought was right, although I have to admit that underneath the veil of wisdom, there was an underlying thought that I really wouldn’t learn anything new. However, a whole new world was opened to me – the world of emotion. Of course as a trained Psychologist, I “knew” the value of emotion, but as Ekart Tolle poignantly and prudently conveys, knowing is in the being and doing, not left behind mental bars. After this workshop, I began to truly know – the knowledge became being and continues to seep into my doing, guiding motion and action. In dance, it guides the hips; in prayer, it guides the spirit; in relationship, it guides the love (verb). In this workshop, they guided the audience to fall into emotion, identify each emotion – anger, fear, hurt, sadness, and joy – and feel it. This simple act of identification and feeling opened up doors of the heart and mind, and thus, the spirit. These doors are often locked by our society and Eurocentric culture – the messages “be happy”, “big girls don’t cry”, “let it go”, “Work! Work! Work!” This socialization leaves many forsaking the sacred truth and potential of emotion for capitalism, overworking, forgoing the self, and numbing the mind with television, alcohol, and/or spiritless sex. After testing this refurbished emotional intelligence, I became more in touch with myself and this enhanced self connection honed my relationship. For instance, I became more aware of my anger and saw the ways that this anger seeps into my relationship, guiding my sharp tongue in cutting my partner. This is not to say that anger is “bad.” It is the opposite. Anger, when manifested in a way that matches its purpose (protection, motivation to change a situation), can be used as a guide for betterment. In this case with my partner, the awareness of my underlying anger allowed me to see that my untoward actions were a result of me and not him. This realization directed me to more introspection and then to a better quality relationship and, thus, to more love – which we all yearn for because it is a key ingredient to life.
Becoming more in tune with our emotions can guide us in self love, which is the key ingredient to quality relationship. Fear can indicate a limiting belief in us. Feeling the hurt and sadness can release pent up energy that is conducive to self destructive behavior, like binge eating, getting drunk, or avoiding life. I’m finding that connecting with myself and my emotions has released an inner power and reignited life within me. Now, I love myself more, resonate with my inner strength, and more frequently tap into the beauty that is within me – and within all of us. Each day, take some time to feel yourself out. Do an internal scan to see what you’re feeling and where…and just feel it. Sit with that feeling, whatever it is. Feel the sensation of fear or sadness or joy. And allow it to pass when it does, as all emotions and everything else in this world do. You may want to even write it down in a journal and express your experience. In this process – and it is a process – of self connection, I wish you much love, light, patience, and consciousness.