Self Development

Published on September 18th, 2011 | by thevyne


Why I’m Gonna Cheat…

By Nikki Bolt

For the past two weeks I’ve been on an insufferable “no sugar/no bread” diet with Keesha of The Vyne. So when I asked her if we could cheat she promptly shut down the suggestion until I offered to write an article. So I started writing initially about why I’m going to cheat on my sugar diet…but the article quickly became something else.

It started when I received word that my good girlfriend’s Grandmother had passed away. I decided I wanted to go to the funeral to support her. I began thinking about attending the funeral and how I would react given this sugar free/bread free/rice free diet. I started to get scared, wary, and grumpy. I would be walking into this emotional world filled with grief over the loss of ‘Dearma’ (as she was affectionately called) while at the same time being surrounded by the all too familiar smells of my childhood foods. Foods like curry goat, rice & peas, dumplin’s and beef patties. Everything I couldn’t eat on this blasted diet. I thought and thought about how I could justify just one bite…then I realized that ‘cheating’ really isn’t about food.

I was going to write an article about my research on food cravings, how depriving yourself of certain foods can be ‘unhealthy’ and how I just need to eat me some rice and peas and how I didn’t want to disrespect the Jamaicans. I even started research…googling this and googling that. Then I realized something, ‘cheating’ was not about any of that research. My wanting to cheat was purely emotional and based on a series of events, I’ll call my Trilogy that ultimately became the mixing of a perfect storm of emotions.

Last week when my friend told me her Dearma was dying, I felt myself going into this funk. That’s the best way I can describe it. I started thinking about my mother. When Dearma died, it was probably more emotional for me than my friend. Unknowingly, my trilogy started. I always have my mask on at work, so I worked, laughed with my crazy girlfriends/co-workers, took care of the family and tried to be a source of comfort for my friend. All the while without sugar no less. But it wasn’t long before I started feeling like comfort was actually what I needed.

Friday hits and honestly all I wanted to do was lay in bed for the rest of the weekend. My funk turned into full-blown tears. So what did I do? I did what any self-respecting, superwoman always does. I planned a weekend of stuff to keep occupied and ensure that my kids saw how mommy is making things happen as usual. Outwardly, I was ok, however I was dying inside… needing to ‘cheat’ on that stupid diet and get some sort of comfort. I tried family movie night. Me and my husband sat with the kids and watched Medea’s Happy Family that night and lawd I bawled most of the movie. Contrary to what I expected, Madea’s HAPPY family wasn’t HAPPY at all and I spent the majority of the movie in tears. Here’s where the 2nd part of my Trilogy surfaced. Why did the movie have to be about a woman dying of cancer with her family around her? The hospital scene where she died with her children in the room, was my mom’s story…my story. My kids and husband didn’t notice my tears. He was too into the story line and my kids just watched in amazement at their first all black movie. Our shows normally consisted of watching Toy Story, Justin Bieber Videos and Power Rangers, so seeing a ‘cultural’ movie was an experience that was foreign to them and peaked their interest.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I tossed and turned. My husband asked me what was wrong and I told him that I would just handle it and I was tired. Since I couldn’t get any candy or snacks, I turned on the TV. Ooohhh why did I do that? Third part of the emotional trilogy commenced as I watch all of the endless and sad coverage of 9/11 memorials and footage of the days events. More tears, more sadness, no sugar, no sugar substitutes.

The weekend was tough and getting up Monday for work was even tougher.  I’m on a plane to Atlanta as I’m writing this and I’m sitting here thinking why am I putting myself through the torture of a funeral? Yes, I wanted to be there for my friend, but emotionally, if I’m being really honest with myself, there was something else I needed. Something that I needed even more than comfort food and sugar. I needed to be at this funeral because I needed to go through this grieving process again. The grieving process of losing my mother, Roslyn Bolt-Miller. My mother’s death was and is still very heavy on my heart and I just needed to’get away’ and ‘express’ this pain all over again. It sounds strange, but for a person who is used to being superwoman and not displaying my emotions outwardly, being at this funeral would be the easiest way for me to release my pain, cry and have all my emotions on the surface in front everyone since everyone else is going to be sad and crying too… I guess misery loves company.

So am I going to cheat on this diet when I get to the funeral? I don’t know, but I’m physically, mentally and emotionally drained right now. Something about letting go of my comfort foods and sugar left me exposed, so that I have to confront what the sugar and comfort food was probably covering up all along. If I do cheat, I hope that the Reverend Dr. Keesha Ann Boyd (clearly not her real name) will pray for and forgive me…hey, I’m a work in progress, starting with this article.

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