Published on April 2nd, 2011 | by thevyne2
A Blessin’ in Every Lesson: A Few Dating Nuggets
As most of you know, we get our inspiration for articles from our friends, life experiences, media, etc. Lately it seems we’re having one relationship conversation after another. Not to mention my (Keesha) slightly ridiculous habit of trolling the “self-help” section of book stores just so I can write snarky book reviews. Point is, cupid has been on overdrive this year between break-ups, make-ups and come-backs. And since there’s a “blessin’ in every lesson” (according to India Arie) we thought we’d share a few that we’ve picked up from some insightful women along with a few of our own. If you have some too, feel free to add to the list with a comment!
- If the light hasn’t turned green, go to another corner – Have to thank Vyne Reader Pam for this one. Simply put, there’s something very powerful and liberating about being able to make a healthy detachment from a relationship that’s not going anywhere. Or as Pam put it, “if you’re standing at the light with this man and that light hasn’t turned green yet, it’s time to move to the next corner and cross the street with someone else.” No hard feelings. Shout out to those of you still staring up at the red light…wishing it will turn green. We’ve all been there…in the words of Jay-Z, on to the next ladies.
- Happiness is your best accessory – Plain and simple, you’re responsible for your own happiness. The minute you put someone else in charge of it, is the minute you’re sure to be disappointed. Find out and do whatever makes you happy. People, specifically men, notice when you’re a happy person and positive things seem to happen to happy people. You’ll find it’s the best accessory you’ll ever put on.
- Self-Help Books, Proceed With Caution – We’re all for self-help books about dating (like John Gray’s Mars and Venus on a Date). However, only you know the person you’re dating and the variables that make up the circumstances of your relationship. So be careful about following the advice of a book to a “t” unless it reasonably applies. Always use your best judgment, your gut and perhaps a friend who gives good advice to triple check if your “book strategy” is the best way to go.
- Space to Pursue – If there is one tried and true nugget that we swear by it’s that women need to give men the space to pursue. It’s easy to encroach upon that space for a variety of reasons but trust, if you can fill your time up with friends/family while you give him the space to pursue you, it’s totally worth it and sets up a positive dynamic from which to build the rest of your relationship on. And if he chooses not to pursue you, that’s okay too…just means he’s not for you (either “right now” or ever) but better to know now than later.
- Check Your Ego – After reading Eckhart Tolle’s book “A New Earth” we became clearly aware of how much of a “monkey wrench” your ego can be in any relationship. There’s a concept that Eckhart talks about in his book that basically says we should all be in a state of “not minding what happens,” because when we do “mind what happens,” we’re probably out of balance. Deep…we know. But how this relates to dating is, if you find yourself in a relationship where you’re emotionally pulling and pushing and “minding” everything that’s happening, perhaps its time to step back, re-evaluate and get balanced again. You’d be surprised how differently some of your decisions would turn out if you’re emotionally balanced when you make them.
- Just the Facts – As women it’s very easy for our minds to fast forward, draw conclusions, and make up outcomes all in our head without having spoken to the man we’re dating. He takes you to meet his mother and you start planning your wedding colors. He mentions wanting to have kids some day and you start matching up your favorite kid names with his last name. Point is, a lot of mis/lack of communication in dating, particularly in the early stages, can be avoided if we just stick to the facts instead of drawing conclusions. Drawing conclusions leads to unexplained expectations that can take your budding relationship way off track. If he takes you to meet his mother….it was just a trip to meet his mother. And if you want to explore if it means anything else, you should ask him instead of assuming. See next bullet point.
- Ask Don’t Assume – Sometimes a simple question can open up a whole new level of communication between you and your man. For example, instead of assuming what you think he wants from you or needs from you in a particular situation, try asking the direct question. For example, when he’s down about something at work, do you know how he wants you to support him? Does he want you to not mention it or does he want you to ask him questions? You’d be surprised how much he would appreciate the opportunity to tell you and how much you may just learn about your man’s wants and needs.